Movie 2005.11.09 - Grimm

Only for the open-minded and people with too much time on their hands.

This movie is supposed to be a retelling of the famous Hansel and Gretel fairytale by the Brothers Grimm (hence the title), but it's only true for the first few minutes. Story is about a pair of incestuous brother and sister (Jacob and Marie) and their misadventures after their Dad abandoned them in the forest. To survive the night, they barbecue a dog caught in a trap. For that, the farmer forced Jacob (Jacob Derwig) to "service" his corpulent wife. They managed to escape by knocking the farmer and his wife right through the wall using a swinging table.

The pair hitchhikes to the city and takes up residence in a makeshift tent under an overpass. Searching around the tent, Jacob finds a pistol. The next day, he comes back with a moped. A gentleman comes a-visiting and Marie (Halina Reijn) offers to "service" him. While they're at it, Jacob pulls out his pistol and demands his money. The man puts up a fight and had to be subdued with a thick piece of wood. With the man dead, they ride the moped all the way to Spain.

They make inquiries and find out that both their uncle and aunt are dead. Marie later hooks up with a rich surgeon named Diego (Carmelo Gomez), who lives in a remote villa with his ill sister and two servants. Distraught at seeing Marie flirting with Diego, Jacob makes a nuisance of himself at the villa. Diego harvests one of Jacob's kidneys for his sister, and leaves him for dead at a roadside. Jacob steals a pickup and goes back to the villa to save Marie. Right at that moment, Marie kills one of the servants and escapes from her prison room. They make a run for it, while Diego gives chase. Diego's car falls down a ravine, and that's the end of him. Or so they thought.

They drive to a Western ghost town, where Jacob recovers from his operation. One day, Diego drops by for a visit with a shotgun. Jacob shoots him through the heart with his bow and arrow. They bury him under the sand, but forget to cover his head. The local police came to check on them, so they hastily covered his head with a bucket before hiding under a house.

For some reason - maybe they got tired of the lousy script - the two decided to go back home. The end.